I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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