My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
