Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
