...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
