happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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