There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
