I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Send help, water and tortillas.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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