i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
