My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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