we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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