highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
