I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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