I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
