Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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