Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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