your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
