I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
