In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
