Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
