Please, let me fuck your mom
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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