Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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