She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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