You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
