I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
