I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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