i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
