At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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