my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
