I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
