So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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