sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
