Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
