At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize