We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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