No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
