you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
