Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
two words...techno handjob
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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