I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
