I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
