Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
