i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
