party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
