let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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