Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
