whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
