at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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