The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
