have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
