Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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