peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
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Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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