I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
