She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
