we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Are we still banned from the library?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
FUCK WHALES
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
