Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
