I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
A bitchslap is in order.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
