just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize