i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
