K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
