We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Come on in and take your pants off
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